Monthly Archives: February 2016

a cup of cold water…

I walked by the river of my soul today.

Life is so busy.

These walks don’t happen as often as they should.
And when they do, it’s more of a jog.

Coffee in one hand, keys in another, and a mile-long to-do list pushing my pace.

Even when I am being intentional to slow down.
Even when I am trying to find time to reflect and search.

I walked by the river of my soul today.

My water isn’t moving very well.

I just haven’t had time to keep the debris out of the way from my inlets.
I just haven’t sat down and fed my soul.
I just haven’t connected to the Source.

I sat by the river of my soul today.

I am stagnant today.

True, it is the dead and dark of winter right now, so that might have something to do with it. But even now, I know better. I know that collections of scum and dead things have been allowed to accumulate within me. Collections that I just don’t have time to work on scooping out. Or frankly, I have tried to scoop them out, but they just keep coming back.

I sat by the river of my soul today.

Long enough to look. Long enough to ask. Long enough to realize.

For the scum to flow out, living water must flow in.
For hate and anger and resentment to be washed away, love must be allowed to flow in.
For doubt to be dispelled, faith must make a heroic reappearance.

I lay by the river of my soul today.

Longing to hear the sounds of life. Longing to feel the warmth of the sun.
Knowing that there is work to be done. Again. Knowing that I am due.
And for the first time in a long while, truly desiring. Desiring enough.

The work of restoration is always harder than the ease of hate.
The art of love always requires more than the rooting of resentment.
The ability to see through another person’s lens is always more painful than staunchly demanding that my needs are primal.

I lay by the river of my soul today.

Wanting is never enough. And yet, action is sometimes too much.
Intention is needed, but my insufficiency must be accepted too.

And there inside that frustrating dichotomy, I find myself today.

Feeling spent and tired.
Feeling clogged and sluggish.
Feeling self absorbed and forgetful of others. Even the others who have hurt me.
Feeling disconnected. Feeling faithless.
Feeling that my brain is tired of knowing the answers because my heart operates on a different language now.

And yet, knowing that all my work to fix myself won’t be enough.
Knowing that my lists and intentions and disciplines won’t heal me.
Knowing that, if you don’t come and flow, I am merely a stagnant pond.

No amount of intellectualism can heal a diseased heart.

I walked away from the river of my soul today.

A cry for help escapes my depths.

Please return to me. Or me to you.
Please wash me clean. Again.
Please flush out my sickness and sadness and anger.

Let love find its way to my angry heart.
Let love do its work on me.
Let love help me finally let it go. Let it go and send it downstream.

Living water, come. Flow again.
Wash away the pain of yesterday.
Bring in new life.
Feed me. Because I am hungry.
Water me. Because I am thirsty.

Help me Jesus, because I need a cup of cold water.

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